Well, another unproductive Monday morning is rapidly transitioning into an equally unproductive afternoon. I had such great plans for today; it’s funny (irritating) how the smallest, seemingly most insignificant of things can totally put the kibosh on good intentions.
Today, it was hair issues. I know, I know. In the big scope of things, this doesn’t matter one bit. Logically, I know there are real issues to worry about in the world, but that doesn’t help me when I’m staring at yet another clump of hair in my hand! Yes, my hair seems to be jumping ship in alarming quantities and I find it most disconcerting. After looking at this latest group of follicle deserters, my heart sank, and I could no longer find any motivation to accomplish my daily tasks. I mean, what’s the point…to anything…if my hair is deserting me?? Believe me, I’m no spring chicken, I have aches and pains in places I didn’t know you could get aches and pains, and now my hair is falling out? WHY BOTHER GOING ON??? It’s just all down hill from here, right?? What does it matter?
It’s at these moments, when I am at my weakest, that my motivation sneaks in and takes advantage. It’s almost like I can hear it whispering, “You’re so right, what’s the point of doing anything if you’re already falling apart at the seams? YEAH! I’m outta here, you balding loser!” (My motivation has a really hateful personality.)
This is the thing that annoys me most about my personality (although there are so many things to choose from). I can get derailed by the silliest concerns and “zap!” my motivation totally deserts me. It’s so fickle. It cannot be trusted or relied upon under any circumstance. It has no staying power. In fact, in recent years, it’s almost assumed an identity of its own, like some mysterious entity that shows up when, and if, it wants to making my attempts at accomplishing anything significant completely dependent upon its tendency to appear and disappear at will. It’s sort of like the bad roommate – the one who never holds up his or her end of the bargain when there’s work to be done in your living space, but who sure talks a big game. “Spring clean? Sure, let’s do it! Won’t it feel awesome to open all the windows, let in the fresh air, clean out the cupboards, get the laundry caught up, organize your life!!” Then, when the big day arrives, they’ve somehow managed to weasel their way out of the task at hand.
I fight with my motivation, or lack thereof, almost daily. So much so, that most days I have to resort to my “do one thing” mantra. When my motivation decides to abandon me, I am often reduced to endless hours of mindless internet browsing, typically beginning with a daily check of the local obituaries (’cause that will surely cheer you up), then onto an endless array of useless inquires – Why is the nail salon trade such a popular business choice among the Asian community? How can I wean myself off junk food (an inquiry usually made whilst snacking on a bag of chips)? What exactly is this soda doing to my insides (yes, typically entered while drinking a large Coke)? Are cats really that clean if all they’re doing is essentially bathing in their own saliva?? The list of useless information goes on and on. On those days, I have to constantly remind myself to “do one thing” such as put in another load of laundry, finish the dishes, scoop the litter, etc. The problem is, that this is sometimes a very slow way to accomplish household tasks and other daily goals. But, I suppose it’s better than nothing?
I don’t know if I’ll ever be fully reconciled with my motivation or that we’ll ever learn to work together consistently. Visible representation of our dysfunctional relationship can be seen in the half-completed home improvement projects scattered throughout the house. There they sit, waiting and hoping for the day my motivation and I get it together. Who knows when that day will be. My motivation appears to have a mind of its own and rarely makes an effort to communicate its plans and schemes to me. I just have to be ready to jump to it whenever it does make a rare appearance.
Anyway, that was a really useful piece of information to share but at least I accomplished something! Also, I’m really hoping I am not the only one who faces this constant battle with motivation. Surely, I’m not, right?